Dealing with Jealous and Possessive Men
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Out there in the dating world, one of the big problems that women deal with is men that are both possessive and jealous. It is definitely no fun at all to go out on a date, get all dressed up in a great outfit with your favorite pink plus size corset, take care with your hair and everything, and then the date is the drag because the guy is so possessive. The key is to try and spot these men before you go out on the date with him if possible.
The problem about jealous and possessive men is that it is hard to spot them. He may look great, act charming at first, and may just seem like a nice guy. However, once you are out with him, things may change and you may discover that you are in the company of a possessive man.
The main reason that men are possessive is because they don't feel worthy of the relationship and are afraid of losing the woman in their life. It may start out simple and harmless enough, with him preferring to keep you with him all the time. He may start trying to control your time and get upset if you go out socially with friends. Instead of going out, you may end up staying at home together all the time, and he may even start coming up with situations where he needs your help that are merely lies to keep you there with him.
In many cases, jealous and possessive men go a step further. They go on to alienate you from your friends and may begin criticizing you and working to lower your self esteem so you won't leave him. Then he may tell you that you are so lucky to have him, since he loves no matter what. In this way he builds up a dependence in you, and you are left dominated and isolated within the relationship.
Men who are confident and happy with themselves will not have these problems with jealously and being possessive. While he will definitely want to spend time with you, he will also be happy that you are independent as well. Relationships should be about being your own person but sharing time together, and trust is important as well.
There are definitely some danger signals to watch out for in men that may let you know that he is a jealous and possessive guy. He may suggest how you should dress, he may try to get in the way of social plans you have, and he may call you all the time trying to figure out where you are. He may be concerned about where you are going, may be very intense, may have a hard time communicating, may have low confidence and self esteem, be dominant, and may have a quick temper. These are all warning signs that you need to be aware of.
So before you don that great plus size lingerie and your sexiest dress, it's a good idea to be very careful about the guy you go out with. If you notice any of the warning signs, you'll want to get away quickly to avoid getting trapped in this type of an unhealthy relationship.
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You just described my boyfriend of three years to a tee. I love him of course but he has so many issues. We live 150 miles apart but I still feel intensely trapped by trying not to do anything that might arouse his suspicions. It's such an unhealthy relationship but for some reason I can't let go of it, he has actually worn me down to the point where I am dependant on him to define who I am. My sense of identity was strong before I met him and now I feel like a ghost. We've been talking about moving in together next year but all my intuition is telling me it would be a horrendous mistake. I'm too scared to leave him and panicked by the thought of the future with him. The worst part is that he has convinced himself that it's me with the jealousy issues and I start to believe that myself! ...Until I read articles like this and wake up to what is going on again. Thanks for writing the article, I've found it empowering.
Thanks Lauren for sharing.
Jennifer, I was also with a man just like that for 3 years. He would often talk about us moving in together and I would agree to it but had absolutely no peace about. We were even engaged to be married. But I was so afraid to leave him becasue I felt he had complete control over my life. Its not until I left him that I realized how little control he actually had over me. The only control he has is what you give him. So I finally got the courage to leave him for good. The best advice I could give you is to do it over the phone, don't ever plan on seeing him in person ever again. Thats what I did because I knew if I saw him I would end up staying with him. And trust me, he will try to convince you to come see him 'one last time' don't fall for it! Anyways, I've been apart from him for almost 3 years now, and I've never been happier! Hope this helps and can be an encouragement to you or anyone else who needs it!
oops meant for that to be for Lauren:)
I am in a similar relationship and left my lovely husband for it. Things don't get better, all the signs are there but I just can't break away. Think Ashley is right, do it over the phone cos if you meet face to face it starts all over again and he wins. I have finished with him loads of times, even to try with my husband again but he worms his way back in and I've let him. At that time he did go out with someone else but still chased me. In many ways he is lovely to me. My friends hate him, I've never introduced him to my family, his friends know what he is like but obviously they are his friends and they will stick by him. He has been on internet sex sites asking for "fun", taking out a married woman he used to work with, texting another girl we both know and now ringing escort agencies. This has all happened since August and these are the things I know about, wonder what there is I don't know about? The other girl he was seeing didn't bother me as we weren't together at the time but these things since August are disguting and he hasn't got an answer why he does it, so why can't I just get rid? Emotional attachment is the worst thing and this I suppose is why I can't break away from him. By the way he is a mental health nurse and I feel his insecurities stem from his mother abandoning him when he was 2 years old. Where do I get the strength from to do this?
great one
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and he has turned into a monster. He prohibits me from seeing one of my friends, doesnt let me go to dances, or even talk to other guys. He says cus "he doesnt want to loose me" and i tell him if he continues that we're over and he says that he loves me so much and that he doesnt ever want to loose me. if he continues i will leave him but then im afraid he'll try and hurt me. Pls tell me wat to do? Im so confused?
I also am in long distance relationship with a man who I thought was charming, kind, considerate ..but as relationship has developed I have discovered that I feel guilty all the time for every row we have had, my self- esteem went so low and I was totally stressed. He doesnt like me texting anyone when hes around and he has even looked at my emails. this form of abuse is so subtle ...but the one question to ask yourself ..is this relationship life-giving or destroying me ...and if its the latter ..walk away ..u deserve better ...Also listen to what your gut is telling u ..what you are not saying verbally will manifest in your body ..tightness in your stomach..stress related symtoms ..etc ..Listen and be aware of your gut reaction ...
Thank you all for sharing. I am also in a controlling
relationship with my boyfriend of 2 & a half years.
The signs have been there since early on and I chose
to look the other way because I am so in love.
At first, I tried to justify it by blaming it on the fact that his ex
wife cheated on him and took everything from him in the
divorce. But as the signs ( trying to keep me from
having friendships, wanting to spend all my free time with
him, interrogating me about everything) became more obvious,
I felt I was trapped. He had shown his violent side plenty
of times and even threatened to hurt himself if I left him. Now I don't
know how to end it and have alienated many of my closest friends.
I am concerned for my safety as well as his and feel
so helpless.
Hi,
I've been dating my partner for 2 months and he has chased me for over a year to be with me.he calls me constantly through out the day,if I don't reply he gives me more then 20 miss calls.I've tryed breaking up with him in person and he started to cry! I always have to ask him for permission to go out.my friends all tell me to get out now before it gets worse,he talks about marriage and has also named "our future kids".I just don't know how to get out of this,I feel that he is too possessive and wont let go.
im happy in a very sad way to actually know that im noy sailing in my own boat that there are other women in my situation.iv bin withhim for 2 years now and i have a non exsistent self esteem ,i no longer have any friend,a cant go anywere alone not even to do my hair hed rather have it in a mess when he cant make tym to take me to the saloon.Guys like this are really violent and they surely have a way of always bringing u down all the time.the whole breaking up over the phone thing is so true cos face to face does nothing but pull you back into that relationship.agaod willing im leaving this tym its for good,im calling him now
thank you all you dont know wat you just lifedone to my
I fell 4 a married man who happen to be my boss. Am also married we decided to quit. Problem is i see him everyday. He even treat me very bad. Calls me to his office 4 nitty grity things.
I lost my husband a year ago. so i started seeing this guy he got jealous and beat me three months later. i gave him another changes cause my daughters got attached to him and if felt bad cause they lost their dad and now a guy they liked. He hates when i talk to my friends family even his own family. Its a long distance relationship thank God. But i have tried to leave him and he says i better never tell him i do not want to be with him again. He says he will kill me and has threatened me a few times. now i feel trapped and do not know what to do in fear of my life. Please someone give me some good advise. thanks
well i am on a affair... just 6 months... the guy i date is different.. like he does not allow me to go out... if i go out he keeps calling me all day long and also he hates me talking to any guy... keeps thinking me in a suspecting way even i did not do any wrong.... but he loves me to death.... even so good when making love... i dont know how to take his ways out of him. help me on this issue...
I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years now. We moved really fast in our relationship and moved in together like 2 months after knowing each other. Really stupid. He started controlling me in what seemed to me small ways like telling me how to dress. When i met him i was a free spirit, not a care in the world and was completely me, still discovering who i was. The way he did it though was so subtle..i believe he actually had me brainwashed. Like he would tell me not to wear short shorts and skirts became non-existent. Anything that revealed too much. He slowly put it in my head that if i dressed like that, i was a whore and i wanted other men to look at me. He said that i needed to grow up and act like a woman, a woman that was in a serious relationship. Honestly, i didnt catch on to this whole thing until like a year later. Everything just hit me all at once. I realized just how controlling and jealous he really was. I was completely alienated from all of my friends. I moved an hour away with him from all of my friends and family to live close to his job, not by choice. I even lost my best friend in the process, of 11 years. All of my friends and family hated him because they could see what he was doing, i was the only one who couldn't. I talked to him about all of this and he actually got over the clothes and being with friends..kind of. This was about a year ago. Now im still dealing with issues about friends. He still doesnt really like the fact that i go out with friends and he wants that i ask his permission. im not allowed to have friends that are guys...period. i feel that this isnt normal but i really have no clue. all of my relationships have always been fucked up in some kind of way, but not like this. i mean, i think he's brainwashed me so much to the point that i dont know who's right and who isnt. i dont know whats normal and whats not. i know that we have to have separate identities. but im not sure that he does. everytime we're on the phone we fight about something that has to do with this jealousy/possessiveness. i just want someone to tell me if im stupid for staying with me. I do love him, and money is very much involved (he makes a lot of it) which makes it sooo much more difficult. ive already spent 3 years with him..i dont want to waste anymore if he's not the one. but then again, i dont want to wake up one day and realize that i lost him over some petty bullshit when he really was the one for me. he really is a great guy, great heart, just an amazing person. i love everything about him, but that. i just dont understand why he cant love me now for the independent woman i truly am, the one he fell in love with??? please someone give me some advice!
I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years now. We moved really fast in our relationship and moved in together like 2 months after knowing each other. Really stupid. He started controlling me in what seemed to me small ways like telling me how to dress. When i met him i was a free spirit, not a care in the world and was completely me, still discovering who i was. The way he did it though was so subtle..i believe he actually had me brainwashed. Like he would tell me not to wear short shorts and skirts became non-existent. Anything that revealed too much. He slowly put it in my head that if i dressed like that, i was a whore and i wanted other men to look at me. He said that i needed to grow up and act like a woman, a woman that was in a serious relationship. Honestly, i didnt catch on to this whole thing until like a year later. Everything just hit me all at once. I realized just how controlling and jealous he really was. I was completely alienated from all of my friends. I moved an hour away with him from all of my friends and family to live close to his job, not by choice. I even lost my best friend in the process, of 11 years. All of my friends and family hated him because they could see what he was doing, i was the only one who couldn't. I talked to him about all of this and he actually got over the clothes and being with friends..kind of. This was about a year ago. Now im still dealing with issues about friends. He still doesnt really like the fact that i go out with friends and he wants that i ask his permission. im not allowed to have friends that are guys...period. i feel that this isnt normal but i really have no clue. all of my relationships have always been fucked up in some kind of way, but not like this. i mean, i think he's brainwashed me so much to the point that i dont know who's right and who isnt. i dont know whats normal and whats not. i know that we have to have separate identities. but im not sure that he does. everytime we're on the phone we fight about something that has to do with this jealousy/possessiveness. i just want someone to tell me if im stupid for staying with me. I do love him, and money is very much involved (he makes a lot of it) which makes it sooo much more difficult. ive already spent 3 years with him..i dont want to waste anymore if he's not the one. but then again, i dont want to wake up one day and realize that i lost him over some petty bullshit when he really was the one for me. he really is a great guy, great heart, just an amazing person. i love everything about him, but that. i just dont understand why he cant love me now for the independent woman i truly am, the one he fell in love with??? please someone give me some advice!
i am in a relation since 7years with a guy and he is also having all those habits even now a days it has increased.
Now he does not even like when am talking to my male colleagues and even shake hands with them. He tries to prove that i do not hold a good character. Althrogh i am emotionally attached to him and do not want to laeve him. Kindly suggest what i can do or how can i make him understand that a male and female can begood friends also.
Jilly.
I am concerned after reading your post.
Are you ok?
For everyone who is willing to step through a therapists' door look into something called Internal Family System. It has the potential to let you successfully walk away from the possessive men and control your own life.
My boyfriend zach and I have been dating for 4 months now.. and now I'm seeing signs.. he won't let me talk to any guys if one of my guy friends txt me zach accuses me of cheating on him ive never cheated on zach I mean damn we've only been dating 4months... He constantly argues with me about the dummest things... I don't get it did I do something maybe to turn him this way...he already put his arms around my throat for the second time he cryed after and apologized..but last night he did it again except this time I decked him in the face and broke his nose I felt bad after wards cause he said he was sorry I don't know what to do if I leave him hell kill himself......
well guys its a weird situation.im in it again but broke it off 32 days ago.i feel empowered already always do then miss him and hey back again .but i know this time it aint me its him...im free on my own it doesnt get better only worse guys promise ya. power to us lets just be who we were and really get to know someone before anything serious xx
I was in the same situation for three years. I felt there was no way out. It got to the point where he was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. One thing i had to learn was it WILL NOT GET BETTER and I had to get out. But it was easier said than done.
The only thing I can tell you ladies is that when you are done, you will get all the strength you need to end it. I left him a year ago. My life is slowly but surly coming back together. Just pray about it and the lord will guide you through it all.
Im married to a very jealous and possesive man, we have a wonderful baby girl, and she is the only reason I still put up with him. I have been through hell with him, and he is better than before, but it is still bad. I honestly don't know what to do, as even counseling hasn't helped, coz he didn't want to be honest. I sometimes feel as if my husband has 2 faces, one is so loving, undarstanding and careful, a true friend and one is a mean, nasty, scary agressive possesive bastard.
I met a man at age 68 and we had a lot of common interests.
He was 72, very charming, very intelligent but very self centred. He made me feel special and I trusted him implicitly. One day when I was checking my emails he looked over my shoulder and asked me why another man was sending me an amusing email. He is a friend and we exchange emails quite often. That day I went to visit my mother and when I got home he told me the man's name. his address (he lived in another town) and his date of birth. He had even checked out his house on the net. He had been through my telephone accounts to see if I had been ringing him. I said yes I had but it was three years ago and we were not in frequent contact. He found a call a month ago and then I remembered that he had rung me because he was a friend of my Sister's husband, couldn't contact him and wanted to let him know that a friend of theirs had died. He completely spat the dummy and I sent him packing. I felt sorry for him as I wanted to know what had happened to him to cause this behaviour. Apparently feelings of abandonment in childhood have something to do with it. He promised to get help and he tried but it did not not take him long to fall back into his old pattern. I have decided not to have anything more to do with him as I want my twilight years to be happy but I feel sad as well that it hasn't worked out as I enjoyed his company a lot of the time. Life is too short to put up with shit!
My boyfriend and I have been dating a year and some. I didn't see the signs at first, but now it is all too clear. I'm 21, and he is 20. It first started when I let him drive my truck, now every time I go to see him or to go to work he insists on dropping me... He promised he would never hit me, so it really suprised me when he did. That was the first time, but certainly not the last. I have tried to break it off because this relationship is very tiring, but he always does something to make me stay, deep down I don't want to stay and I know I can do better, but I feel so sorry for him... I'm always getting threatened, I have no more friends, and I constantly get calls of my where abouts. I'm so stressed and I'm scared. my family has no clue... I want out but I just don't know what to do.. I love him, but I think I feel more sorry for him that's why I still stay... I just want to be happy...
I cheated on my husband for the man I've been with these 2 1/2 years. It started nice but now not so much. I think its a self-esteem issue. We get along great when we are together (long distance relationship now) but lately, he questions everything I do. I work with a department full of men and I'm guessing he feels intimidated by that because he used to be a guy that I used to worked with. No matter how hard I try, he makes me feel guilty for going to lunch with the guys here. I guess I don't see it the way he does on it being disrespectful to him by going to lunch or attending company events. I feel it may be an age difference. At the same time, I did betray his trust. In 2011, I drank way too much at an event and ended up making out with another guy but I don't recall as I blacked out. He has never let it go since then and I'm heartbroken because no matter how hard I try to show him I love him, just that one mistake, he never forgets and brings it up on every fight. I've told him and showed him that I love him but he never lets it go and now I feel like everything I do doesnt matter. Now he doesn't want me to participate on any events outside of work or go out. I don't know if I should continue this way or just cut my loss and leave him since it doesn't seem he'll let that mistake go. I'm lost and confused because I do love him like no one ever before. :-(
Wow this article is so true I have been there with to different men the first one I got out and the second he went and got help and we have a healthy relationship so much so that I was able to go on a cruise without him and there was no signs of issues... now my beautiful 21 year old daughter is in this type of relationship and as a mum it is breaking my heart to see. she wont listen.. this guy even had the nerve to abuse a guest of mine in my house because he was my daughters exboyfriend, and my daughter believes that is the mans and my fault. She invited her ex that she is still friends with and is a lovely man to her 21st so I told him he could stay at my house. I kicked the boyfriend out but my daughter left with him. so now I have lost her, and I am scared that he will harm her one day. She has no friends left, he is slowly alinating her from her family, though I will always be there for her, I cant go and see her. I sad and worried, but there is nothing more I can do I have told her how I feel and I have told her my concerns but all I got back was its my life. at least I tried
I've found it so empowering.I kinda like reading those letters cuz I'm in the same situation rightnow.I'm with my bf 3months now,we're leaving together.He is a very jealous & possesive kind of guy.I'm just hoping & praying that he will change for the better.:)
i think these guys your talking about should go get some help, rather than being dumped on the next girl that comes into there lives who gets it worse until they either die old and alone or destroy someones life
Men are wired to be jealous and possessive ever since the cave man times, in today's society women work, study, party, do everything men do plus more. Many women think it's ok to be in a relationship and go for a night out with the girls get drunk and make out with another guy. A lot of the divorce rate is because women give up way to easily. There are not many perfect men out there considering today's economy, worker's rights, hyper competitive atmosphere, bad parenting, its less likely that you will find a perfect man. If you want to be a free independent woman that don't get into a relationship, that simple.
With that said there is a line that should be drawn, physical and verbal abuse should never be tolerated.
i have been in this relationship for 13yrs im very withdrawn tired i just came across this webpage today which was very helpful on pin-pointing what's happening in my relationship i think its not easy,i think its just not right dump them and leave them for some one else to deal with as i would be mortified someone else would have to go thru the they need help.i wanted to stick by my man and work thu it with him with and get some professional help,i do love him but its come to the point where i feel physically drained and self esteem is very low and confidents,i do think that if the ladies here has a non dysfunctional family good support could help a lil about your safety i know im not fortunate with a normal family so its taken me 13 yrs to realized these traits, i have tried to work on this relationship as much as i can, but my health is more important i want out but at the same time i love him and think he could change as another article says, (this character does not change)i too am finding it hard to leave, im also worried about my safety as possessive ppl can often be violent
All I can is that, if the man your in relatioship with had an issue with an ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, or his mother and is using those reasons to limit or control you. Tell him to shove it up his ass!It is unfair to blamed for the stupidity of others(assuming he did nothing wrong that would really piss off the ex). As my Aunt would tell me those people who try to lower others confidence "it's more about their own issue rather than the others" they are trying to ruin.
jenniferepp 2 years ago
This is a very informative hub! It's sad that there are so many men in the world just like this.